DIET AND HEALTH BOOK
AN APOLOGY AND SOME AMENDMENTS
PAGE 12

An Apology and Some Amendments - Diet and Health - Page 12

Chapter 11

(Webmaster'sNote:  In which the author clarifies some points)

On re-reading this literary gem, humorous classic, and scientific treatise on weight reduction and gaining, I see that I have a very intimate mixture of the thins and the fats. But that is as it should be for balance. I had intended to keep you strictly separate, but the preaching, the exercises, the dry definitions, the Key to the Calories, and so forth, was matter that was applicable to both, so it could not be done.

Watch Your Weight

I have just got to bring this to a close now, if I have it ready as I promised, for the lecture, "Watch Your Weight!" I am glad of it, too. I am getting so ... funny it is painful. I will close with the next chapter. It will be beautifully scientific, but not funny, I promise.

Some Amendments

1. You perhaps have noticed that my first chapter is called "Preliminary Bout", and then I have gone on to describe a club meeting. I am aware that P.B. is a prize fighting term, and I meant it for the picture of me fighting myself, not for the club meeting. I have attended many club meetings, and in none of them have I ever seen any fighting that would have taken any prize anywhere, although I will say I have seen and have myself personally conducted some very classy stuff.

2. I do not use slang. I use only the purest, most refined, and cultured English. I leave slang to those who can get by with it and put it over. So where I have used dashes you may use your favorite slang words. Mine were deleted by the censors.

3. Mrs. Ima Gobbler is not really fat enough to be called a fat -- ! She is only 40 or 50 pounds overweight, but she is fond of me and I took liberties with her. She is a darling.

3b. She is a purist, too. I called her up after I put her in my book, and I said, "You are fond of me, aren't you, Mrs. Gobbler?" And she said, "Youbetcha." "And you are a good sport, aren't you?" "Surest thing you know!" "That's good, for I have said a horrid thing to you. I had to, in order to stop the club discussion." And she responded soulfully, "Go to it, Kid!"

4. Mrs. Sheesasite's husband did not really have to buy her a pair of freight scales; that is just a gentle josh. The ordinary scales will weigh 300 pounds, I believe. She is also a dear.

5. My husband's eyes are not really green, nor is he cross-eyed. They are the loveliest, softest brown. The green eyes belong on the maternal side of this house.

6. My artist is not really noted. He is just an ordinary adorable ten-year-old boy kiddie. Aren't his little figures the dearest ever?

       *       *       *       *       *

Doing My Bit

All the characters in my book are friends of mine. Perhaps you had better substitute "were" for "are". There was one woman mentioned in my original manuscript and my husband said what have you put her in for Pattie? (a corruption of Pettie, a H.moon hangover) she is no friend of yours: she knocks you. And I said loftily like, I want you to know Ijit (corruption of Idiot, also a H.moon hangover) I am above personalities she is prominent and besides she is fat especially in the feet and head and she doesn't know it and he said that doesn't make any difference you do not have to immortalize her and I said I would look up the authorities on the subject and he said he was authority enough and I said I would see what the other authorities said anyway and I did and I found one most eminent that said you should love your enemies but none that said you should immortalize them so I said I'd drop her and he said he should say so and so I did.

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P. S. If you want to learn more about why Diets Don't Work, please click here.

If you want to learn how to burn fat, a great book to read is Burn the Fat, Feed the Muscle by Tom Venuto